It's hard to dance with a devil on your back

It’s overwhelming trying to describe this past week. How can I successfully describe what it’s like living in another country? Everything you experience from the moment you wake up is new and different. The sights, the sounds, and the smells are not the same. Every waking moment there’s something new to your senses, whether or not you want to be experiencing them. Everything that stimulates my brain IS the experience, and every part of me that can sense something is sensing unfamiliar things. How can you possibly describe what that’s like? Ugh. It’s all spewage and un-collected thoughts. I know I’m not very good with words and I wish I were a more eloquent writer, but I definitely have too much to share to avoid expressing it.

This week started normally, waking up at the crack of dawn to every rooster in the village crowing and every goat bleating for food. I ate my breakfast and waited for John to walk to HEPENS together for work. I travelled and participated in our school out-reaches for the day, met up with the interns afterwards, maybe got a little internet in between, went home for dinner, and went to bed. I was just trying to go through the motions and keep myself from being too overwhelmed every day. I was still trying to adjust and take it one day at a time. This last Friday, however, the ProWorld interns got work off early to gather at the castle for dance and drumming lessons. Of course we were all joking before-hand, laughing about how silly and uncoordinated we were going to look, especially to the locals who wouldn’t be able to resist watching our lessons. I think we all felt deep down that our lessons were going to be almost unbearably awkward, but who was going to back out? We’re in Ghana, and this was supposed to be part of the experience.

We started first with the drum lessons. Learning the rhythm was SO much harder than I expected, and I couldn’t stop staring at our instructors hands so I could mimic him. He followed us through different rhythms, had us all play it with him, then let us play solos if we wanted while everyone else kept the same sequence together. I had no idea what to do with my solo. I felt like a baby banging on pots and pans with no sense of a beat. Our instructor was kind and didn’t make fun of us, which I appreciated since I felt so awkward (like i’m-an-uncoordinated-american-white-girl-awkward). I guess I beat it pretty hard, though…I ended up bruising my hands by the end of the lesson. J

Look at that stiff concentration! I barely had time to enjoy myself!

Picture with the group and our instructor. 

Next was our dance lesson. We had a different instructor for this part, while our drum instructor provided a rhythm for us to dance to. This was the most uncomfortable part of the night at first. We all laughed at each other at our horrible skills at jiggling our legs and stomping our feet and clapping in time. We mimicked her as best as we could, but we were a mess. Again, our instructor was patient. She kept going over different sequences with us until we could perform it all on our own. I was facing a wall at the front of the group and was gratefully turned away from all the locals who were watching us from behind. I think not having to face the embarrassment, physically and mentally, was what gave me the opportunity to let loose. I was all by myself, facing that wall. I realized that the more uncomfortable I felt, the more resentment I would feel at being taught to dance. If I was going to have fun, I had to let myself have fun. I had to let it go.

So…I did. And I had fun. A LOT OF FUN. Once my inhibitions were gone, I could feel the rhythm of the music. I could loosen my body and move it the way the instructor showed us. My body felt open and I could move it in ways that just came to me, so I had my own flare to all the steps she showed us. We pieced the whole dance together and performed it on our own as a group, and had the chance to do little solos again afterwards to complete the dance. Although I’m sure we still looked a little silly and awkward to all the locals, I felt confident. I felt ALIVE. I felt energy and warmth in my body and heart, and I just let go. I danced and jumped and twirled all around and moved my body in whatever way it felt good to do so. I just trusted what my body could do and let anything happen that came to me. I remember hearing cheers and clapping all around me, but I was in my own world, free of inhibitions. And I was relishing in it.

It feels like a haze since that moment. We were finished with the lessons and were going to go out to eat to finish off the activity. But I remember wiping sweat from my eyes, and in the haze hands were patting my back and I was hearing compliments pouring all around me. I remember kids were coming up to me saying, “You ahr a good dancuh!” My instructor came up, touched my arm with a kind smile and remarked, “My best dancer.”  Walking home through town and through the market, kids I hadn’t even seen at the castle came up to me with baskets balanced on their head and told me that they liked my dancing. I realized that I couldn’t even remember what dance moves I had performed, but I felt so good. I felt whole. I felt like I had found my niche, or I had found a little corner of Ghana were I could fit in.

Saturday morning, I woke up early to prepare for a community outreach with the interns where we were going to help mix bricks to make a clinic in Kwamoano (one of the villages I teach in, the one with the soccer game). It ended up being cancelled due to too much rain, but I got ready that morning listening to music. I haven’t allowed myself a lot of time for spiritual musical moments since being here, but it ended up being a crucial time for me. I listened to a lot of songs, but then I hit Florence and the Machine, “Shake it Out”. This song was one I had chosen to be in my playlist of songs meant to give me courage as I arrived in Ghana. I remember listening to it as our plane broke through the clouds and I saw my first view of Africa. I watched in wonder at the hundreds of colorful rooftops, and I remember this song didn’t mean much to me then. Not just was I hard-core jetlagged, but I was too full of nervous anticipation. I was too full of expectations, and too full of fear.  But this morning, these lyrics struck me.

“I'm always dragging that horse around
Our love is pastured, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn…

…And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off…”

  

I felt like EVERYTHING at this point changed for me. Every mental and emotional road block cleared for me. I could see myself clearly back up at the castle the day before, trying to drum and dance with a scrawny, filthy goblin-looking thing with evil eyes clung to my neck. I could vividly see myself trying to move my body with that thing cackling at my embarrassment and discomfort, its weight only adding to my awkwardness with every hesitant step I took. I could see that evil little devil clinging to my neck as I greeted people in the villages, as I taught in the schools, and as I walked through the Abura market. I could even see that devil sniggering around my neck as I cried to myself, hurtling across the sky at thousands of miles per hour on the plane from New York to Accra.

The realization was as clear to me now as it had been the night before at the castle. It’s hard to dance with a devil on your back…I shook him off.

So here I am. That song has been my attitude theme for the past few days, and it's made all the difference. I’ve hit a point so clear and happy, it’s hard to remember what it was like living my past life. It’s hard to remember what it was like living in Springville, sweating in my bed, seeing Chai and Sparrow every morning, the smell of the cows and the monotonous drive to Provo every day for school, counting every fly I swatted with triumph, waiting to hang out with Brian or babysit in the evening. I feel cautious of being so high because I want to be realistic with the lows, but oh, I feel good. I feel ready to love this country and everything in it. I feel ready to love myself, and to love my life. It’s not that I wasn’t happy before, but my reality blinded me from recognizing the devil on my back. I’m ready to shed that devil of self-loathing and fear.  

I’m ready to see where this new month takes me, and what new things I can experience with a lighter heart. It’ll be interesting to see what new devil may potentially take up residency on my back. I’m excited to see how I’ll shake off that one, eh Pacha?

Me and John (my coworker) at church in Nyame Bekyere

Enjoying a Sunday afternoon at the beach.

I love you all so dearly and miss you all so intensely. Here are the rest of the lyrics if you’re curious. Don’t forget me, I’ll be seeing you all again before you know it.

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

Our love is pastured, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh whoa, oh whoa...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa